Welcome to RustyLand!! |
|
This was performed at a science fiction convention called ChimeraCon III. I believe the year was 1985. Narrator (A voice from above or offstage): Time for scene one. Let's start out with something pretty standard, an approaching monster, and see how different gaming groups react. Dungeon master, if you please? DM (A different voice from nowhere): You see a huge multi-tentacled monster shuffling towards you. What do you do? Narrator: Dungeons and Dragons Leader: Okay, spread out. Hmmm. (Takes out Monster Manual, starts ruffling through it.) Ah, ha. A Wassel. Says here about thirty hit points. Magic User, fire a fireball. The rest of you, fan out and use Plan A-4. Then we can...well, wait a second. The Magic User is going to get all the experience points again. Magic User: Don't worry. I'll use Magic Missiles, and that should just cripple it so you can get the points. Fighter: Don't worry. I'll use my Wassell Slayer. It gets a plus five versus Wassells. This is the beloved sword of my family, given to me by my father when he died; it will not fail us now. (The players go into a huddle and start conferring in a low mumble, completely oblivious to the fact that none of them have actually done anything. After a moment of this, the Narrator's voice comes on again. After the voice, the characters completely change personality, mannerisms, etc.) Narrator: Call of Cthulhu Player Number 2: Good Lord! That hellish thing has Morty. Morty (From off stage): Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Player Number 3: Saints in heaven. It's sliced off his head and...ugh. Player Number 1: Maybe Jordy can use one of his spells. Right Jord? Player Number 4: (Drooling while sitting on floor) Bleh bleh wascally wabbit. Watermelon cantaloupe. Player Number 2: Jeez, I hate it when this happens. Player Number 3: Wait, I think I recognize this creature from all the research I did that I forgot to tell you about. Seems to be a Great Old One. Maybe we could talk to it. All Together in Monkeesesque Fashion (One says two or three words, another cuts him off and says two or three more, and so on in very rapid succession): No, we do not talk to it, we do not reason with it, we run away and tell someone. Everyone looks satisfied as the lights start to dim. Player Number 3 (A faint voice in the growing darkness): Tell who? Narrator: Paranoia. Everyone looks startled. They whip out their notebooks and immediately scribble some notes, which they then surreptitiously pass to each other. They read them, then immediately turn towards each other and shoot each other. Narrator: Let's make scene two a little less threatening. A cute little girl, say, with a red checkered dress and blonde pigtails and a yellow all-day sucker and red cheeks with cute little dimples. DM: Okay, you come around the corner of the passageway and you see what appears to be a six year old girl with pigtails and a dress. She's carrying a wa--I mean an all day sucker. What do you do? Leader: I disbelieve. Fighter: What kind of armor is she wearing? DM: Okay you both disbelieve, but she's still there. She's not wearing armor, she's wearing a red checked dress and patent leather shoes. Magic User: Detect Magic! DM: There’s no magic here at all. At least: none that you can detect. What next? (All players huddle for a moment.) DM: As the Fighter enters the corridor, the little girl raises the sucker to her mouth and-- Fighter: I fire my crossbow! Others: AAAAAAGH! DM: Okay...the little girl takes the silver tipped bolt in the chest and rolls back under the force of the shot, crumples to the ground in a pathetic little heap and dies. Fighter: Musta been low hit dice. Leader: I can't believe you just did that! Fighter: She was gonna use her weapon. Leader: She was gonna lick her sucker, you maniac! Fighter: Coulda been a wand or sumpin and anyways I'm chaotic neutral so who cares? Leader and Others: AIGHH! DM: She was carrying a yellow sucker and a shiny new nickel. Fighter: I take the nickel and retrieve my bolt from her chest. Magic User: I take the Sucker-Shaped Wand Of Indeterminate Uses. Leader: Anything else? DM: The dress is ruined, but the shoes seem okay... Leader: Take 'em. Proceed down the corridor in the same marching order... Narrator: Call of Cthulhu. DM: ...And in the room you find a small blonde haired girl wearing pigtails and carrying a yellow all-day sucker. Player Number One: I'll speak to her, ask her if she's seen anything strange...men in bloodstained robes, strange creatures, walking piles of seaweed... Player Number Two: Hey guys, I don't trust this, she could be part of the cultists group. Player Number Three: Maybe they're gonna sacrifice her to Yoggie Doggie... Player Number Four: You mean...YOG SOTHOTH?...oops, I forgot. DM: Okay, Player Number Two, upon hearing the uttering of the name Yog Sothoth you must make a sanity check. Your sanity level is? Player Number Two (mumbling): seven. DM: Oh, too bad. You begin to hallucinate. Player Number Two: yaddayaddayadda... DM: Are those pigtails in her hair or are they tentacles? To you they seem to be waving in the air, probing in your direction, and they've taken on a pea-greenish color. Player Number Two: AIEEE! Player Number One: He's lost it. We better hold him down. Get his shotgun, Ralph. Player Number Three: Right. DM: Okay Player Number Two, you suddenly notice little ornate runic designs in the face of the yellow sucker, like an elder sign but different. Your companions are approaching you with evil grins and taking your gun-- Player Number Two:--NO! Not My gun! Can't you see it? Can't you see the yellow sign? Player Number One: Sigh. Restrain him. (to another player) Bill, did you bring the straitjacket? We'll need it now, until we can get him back to Arkham asylum... Narrator: Paranoia. DM: You see a small human, wearing modified red coveralls, black shoes, and carrying some form of contraband food--or it could be a new advanced weapon. Her hair is quite long and braided into some sort of treasonous arrangement. Everyone looks startled. They whip out their notebooks and immediately scribble some notes, which they then surreptitiously pass to each other. They read them, then immediately turn towards each other and shoot each other. Narrator: One more test. For scene three, let’s see how they deal with the rewards of adventuring. DM: You’ve successfully completed your adventure, and now at the end of the journey, you’ve reached an entire room full of fabulous treasure. What do you do? Narrator: Dungeons and Dragons Team Leader: Looks like there are a few magic items and more gold than I’ve ever seen in my life. Magic User: Actually, the only magic that I can detect is from that one sword. It appears to be a +6 WassellSlayer. (Fighter casually tosses the sword of his father behind him and grabs the new sword lying on the ground.) Magic User: Other than that, there’s about 60,000 gold pieces worth of stuff here. We can divide this according to system B-6, or possibly C-7; what do you think of that, gang? Team Leader: I’m in charge here. I say we use Gold Division system R-2. What do you think of that? Magic User: I think that system is biased toward Team Leaders! Q-2 at the very least! What do you think, Fighter? Fighter: I think the thief just ran away with all the gold. (All look. He has, and he has also snuck off stage left. They all scream and chase him off.) Narrator: Call of Cthulhu Player Number One (strolls on from stage right): I can’t take any. I went insane and lost all interest in wealth. Players Two and Three (Ambling out): We both died in the Yog-Sothoth scene. (The rest of the players stroll in equally casually with similar tidings.) DM: Doesn’t anyone want the treasure? (Long, awkward pause) Narrator (Embarrassed): Um, how about Paranoia now? Everyone looks happy. They whip out their notebooks and immediately scribble some notes, which they then surreptitiously pass to each other. They read them, then immediately shoot themselves. |